At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.