*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
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Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs