Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.