I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*skinny dips into black hole
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
A short story of betrayal:
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Never forget.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.