[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Denise please return my vape pen
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.