When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
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When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
an octopus is just a wet spider
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes