I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood