(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Has science gone too far?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!