Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
termite twitter scares me
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.