What flavor cupcake are these
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[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Catercrombie & Fish
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.