[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
the last thing a carrot sees
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever