What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
How long do you have to wait between naps?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing