[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh