someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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incredible book dedication
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine