Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]