I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.