I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done