When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”