No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*3.5 thank you very much.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit