[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
this is how life feels
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.