[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Harsh but fair
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.