presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”