I need a headline like this
You Might Also Like
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Breaking news:
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.