I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying