My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
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Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…