[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?