I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
You Might Also Like
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced