my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
You Might Also Like
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters