My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
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You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Google Pay be like:
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off