“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”