me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Finally!
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.