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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.