You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
You Might Also Like
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
cat vs inanimate object
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The three genders
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK