My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.