If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Quadruple digit IQ
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂