[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.