They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus