Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.