Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”