Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.