Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀