[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭