Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
couldn’t resist
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.