for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?