[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.