“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
the red hot silly peppers
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”