“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule