I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You Might Also Like
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
New tinder profile pic
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.