[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
and now we wait
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.