He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.